Over the past couple of years, I’ve been noticing more and more things about myself. Not only did I realize more of my physical strengths and weaknesses, I had set up a set of mind that resulted from what I’ve experienced from the past years. I’m actually pretty emotional and anxious (surprise, surprise!), and it’s really gotten in the way of a lot of things in my life. The thing about anxiety and emotional illnesses/feelings: When you think that it’s finally gone and out of your life, it comes back. It seems to always come back. Although I despise those emotional and scared sides of me, loving myself is the way to go. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s easy at all. But loving yourself takes effort, but it’s so so SO worth it. And it’s the one major thing that I’m struggling with.
There’s actually a lot that I find “wrong” about myself. My sixth grade teacher called me a perfectionist, and when I first heard that I was overjoyed. I had thought she was complimenting me. But now, as a high schooler and having already gone through some tough experiences, perfectionist is no longer a compliment but a curse. I subconsciously want to do better and other people, but it goes too far. It’s to the point now where I want to curl up in a ball and lie in my bed forever because I can’t be “perfect.” I can’t socialize. I’m not pretty. Why do I even bother? But as I’m writing this, I can just see how naive, cliche, and stupid these thoughts are. It doesn’t matter, because no matter how much you’re trying to “find happiness” and wash all the self-consciousness and low self-esteem away, it’s going to come back to you. Unless you find that mind set of loving yourself and accepting it. Being comfortable for your awkwardness, shyness, weirdness… whatever it may be!
There’s this article that appeared on LifeHacker.com by Kristin Wong: “The Biggest Wastes of Time We Regret When We Get Older.” She talks about, at one point, to stop dwelling on your mistakes and failures but to learn to forgive yourself. Here’s one thing wrong that I don’t like about myself: I always dwell on the past. I struggle to live in the present and I worry about the future. There are memories from elementary school that no one remembers at all, but it still comes and haunts me like a ghost constantly lurking behind my shoulder. Always there and always lingering, and somehow I can’t seem to push it away. Kristin Wong said:
In order to let the past go, you must forgive yourself officially.
Feel the embarrassment or shame one final time. Really feel it throughout your body. Next, tell yourself that everyone makes mistakes and you know you that that outcome was not your intention. It was an accident. Finally, make the decision to forgive yourself and do it. It helps to even say it out loud.
From now on, it’s okay. You are forgiven.
Every time the thought comes back, simply remind yourself that you have already been forgiven, so there’s no reason to feel bad anymore. Then push the thought away.
I really can’t express how happy hearing this made me. I know, it’s not a cute gif of a puppy doing something cute, but this I have been struggling with nearly most of my life. I’m not saying that “Ooh, my life problems are fixed! Let’s go bake some cookies!!” I think it’s great advice for someone like me. For someone who’s struggling with anxiety and troubles from the past. Over problems that wouldn’t matter at all in the future.
And just some things to cheer you up (◕‿◕✿):