When it’s Time… Then I Will.

“Love is but a bittersweet feeling. I’ve never really given to much thought as to how love is to me. Being immersed in a world of fiction and reading about non-existent guys drawn on ink makes me forget that I’m living on Earth. A world that complicates already complex feelings of a human being whereas manga just turns them to something minor and sometimes could be overcome through persistence.

Though we, as human beings, strive on something we want to achieve, I guess for me, being persistent on love like how girls are in manga doesn’t work for me. My friend once kindly reminded me that this is the real world and not the manga world, love is taken seriously and is difficult to achieve when it comes to one-sided loves.

Nevertheless, I tell myself ‘Next year for sure, I will find someone whom I like and will like me back.’ I’m neither optimistic about it nor sadden. Just hopeful that’s all. I wouldn’t say I’m not jealous of couples. I really am on several ‘having a moment’ type of events. A girl and a guy would be making out in the middle of the hallway while students pass by to get to class, they would talk by their lockers and this girl would do that hair flip or tucking in a hair strand behind her ear, tilting her head sideways and more.

I sometimes wondered as well, if I should give up on love. Well, we’ve all been through here I guess. There’s always that other person we’re waiting for or just wanting for them to notice us because we’re right here. From time to time, I feel like screaming and saying ‘I’m right here! Can’t you see me? Why do you tell yourself you’re not loved when I’m here!’ or ‘Give up on her. Please give me a chance.’ or maybe even ‘Please notice me…’

Then it always come back around to the last thought in my head. If I give up on the guy, will he notice? This sounds conceited as heck but we’re all humans who are in need of  receiving attention from the person we love because apparently that’s what makes our day. At least for me. It’s so funny because that thought never really comes in to play. Which I’m fine with I really couldn’t care less to be honest.

But you know… Even though I pretend I’m fine, I’m okay, I laugh, and I smile, inside truly it hurts. Why do people force themselves to remain the same afterwards? I ask myself that. If it hurts, I don’t cry until later on at night. Am I just waiting for the mood to settle in and when I read a manga to find that exact same scene that happened to me on the same day, I’ll go ahead and cry? Maybe that’s for other people too.

I guess, if you truly love or like someone, it’s painful. It’s as if your chest is squeezing in on you and you can’t breathe. Like you’re sinking down the ocean and you can’t swim, the ocean is swallowing you whole to the abyss. Or you’re trapped within a tight space and chained down tightly you can’t even escape.

And soon, the time will come when I’ll have to give up eventually on the person I like. I… I’m experienced with that. I’m pretty sure everyone has. When feelings aren’t mutual, when he or she is just not going to come around, or worse is that nothing is going to work out, then it’s letting go of that person. Personally, because I’m a selfish human being, I would let go for my own sake.

I don’t want to move on because of my health and how it’s going to ruin me and how this is all just silly so getting over this whole crap is for the better. Though I may think of that later on (hahaha), I want to let go because of two things: it’s the right time and for the sake of his happiness.

It’s always going to come down to those two reasons. I believe getting over someone as soon as I confess and the feelings aren’t mutual or that I’m well aware that it’s not going to work out is too soon. Perhaps, I would give it a few months. Just a few. Or maybe even less. But I believe that once I see him smiling with this particular girl, that will be the moment when I will cherish that smile and say that everything is now alright.

I can move on. He’s smiling. If he’s happy, then I’m happy. I’m happy that someone else could give him happiness that I wasn’t able to give to him. I can move on from there.

I’m in no rush to date. In fact, that should be everyone in general. Love doesn’t come as easy as how the couples usually have it on books or manga. It requires determination and the sacrifice of your own feelings. I guess that’s a good interpretation for me as to what love is. But I won’t stop being myself. We’re all persistent, foolish human beings when it comes to that point of our lives where we see someone whom we would like to cherish more than a friend and be supportive of.

And when the time comes for me to give up on him…

Then gladly, I will move on.”